I NEED PROTECTION FROM SCIENCE

SPIDERS HAVE THE ABILITY TO GREATLY EXPAND THEIR CHEST

*Tip-of-the-hat to Jim Lawless for this one

WIVES SHOULD BE KISSED -- AND NOT HEARD

ONLY JERKS SMOKE WITH CIGARETTE HOLDERS

NIXON WAS AN EVIL ALIEN SHAPECHANGER

IF I EVER LOSE AN EYE, I CAN REGAIN MY SIGHT SIMPLY BY WEARING A FANCY EYEPATCH

U.S. KEEPS STOCKPILES OF NUCLEAR BOMBS IN AN UNDERGROUND VAULT

MANHATTAN IS A FLOATING ISLAND

FOLKS SHOULD BUY MORE WAR BONDS

I CAN SWIM THROUGH QUICKSAND

A WIFE'S PLACE IS IN THE HOME